the verdict

The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days. To me the irony is that I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks 4 days. Just two days before the baby suppsedly died we saw the heartbeat. I knew right away on the ultrasound today as soon as the baby came into focus. You could see the baby and you could see the heart but no pulsing bright light, no heartbeat. I simply said, "there's no heartbeat" and the ultrasound tech said, "You caught me. I'm going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound." This was, I'm assuming, to get the clearer picture and measure the baby, but it was irritating to me that I was 95% positive that the baby had died and she wouldn't say it. When she left the room for me to get undressed it took her forever to come back and then during the vaginal US the doctor came in to tell me.

It's amazing to me that they can tell when the baby stopped growing exactly. It's also amazing to me that although I had a very strong (bad) feeling about the baby a couple of weeks ago, other than that and the very light spotting I would not have known.

All kinds of thoughts keep going through my head. If I had been home I am convinced that things would be no different. My next OB appointment would have been yesterday and it would have shown the same thing. The only thing that could have helped is if I had had cramps or spotting earlier and had been home I could have had the earlier US. I am angry that the ER could not have done an US and given me answers like this on Friday. I am angry that the doctor's office could not have seen me yesterday and given me answers a day earlier. I am glad to have my little girl.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon and go in for surgery the next morning at 9am. She did give me the option to go home, but after talking with her about what the surgery entails it does not seem important to me to be at home when I should be fully recovered by Thursday afternoon/evening. She stressed that I get the procedure done as early as possible and that is fine with me. Jonathan will be here Thursday night.

Overall, I really am fine so far. I am not worried about what I could have done differently and I am already looking past it to the future. Whether that is good or bad I don't know and don't really care at this point. Call me crazy, but I am mostly just worried about whether Jules will notice that we stop talking about a baby for several months. And of course, wondering about my bridesmaid's dress for my sister's wedding in 3 months.

I'm totally assuming that they'll make me wait a few complete cycles before I start trying again and I question - Will Julianna be 4 years old when she gets a baby brother or sister? Will she be ten? Will she be the only one for us?

Any answer is fine although some are preferable to others. I am truly blessed to have my Doodlebug. Some people are not as lucky.

Thank you all for your prayers.