while I'm waiting

I am broken. I am humiliated. I have been beaten down and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. Now I am depressed. I am also resistant to write about it. Here goes anyway.

Today is the second day of school for teachers in our area and in the last 48 hours I have essentially had two job interviews that have fallen through because the positions have been filled by the county. I feel like an idiot for being optimistic about one of them in particular and putting false hope in a friend that works at the school when ultimately I know that the hiring is up to the county and the individual school principals. Futhermore, I am angry at the school system for assigning "surplus employees" to positions that they have advertised to the general public first and I am feeling naive that I ever thought a teacher would have trouble finding a job.

I am sick of applying for jobs. I am so sick of hearing about school starting and not having a position for myself. I am unjustifiably (is that a word?) annoyed at people's Facebook status' about how exhausted they are at all the work they have to do in their classrooms to get ready for school. When I hear the stupid school bus come through the neighborhood on practice routes I get irritated. Today when I picked up the 2009-2010 public school student handbook out of my driveway I was nothing but sad.

I am tired of explaining to people that yes, once again school is about to begin and I don't know what I will be doing, for myself or my child. I am regretting counting on always being able to work in my chosen profession and I am not willing to settle for a job that pays less than $12/hour when I have a college degree and ten years of experience. Am I stupid?

I am embarrassed and I feel like such a loser. What must people think of me? I feel like I've let my family down. I'm beginning to think very little of myself. Either that or I'm beginning to think God thinks I'm Job.

So many people mention teaching jobs to me and it's so obvious that they don't understand how the system works. You aren't just certified to teach everything and you can't expect in this economy that if someone has a teaching license then they would even be considered for every teaching position that is open. People are fighting for teaching jobs. Over the last year or so there have been plenty of people applying for and accepting teaching positions that never desired becoming an educator. They look at it as a guaranteed job in a time when there's not much else and sadly I have learned that it's not.

I should be happy. This should be a good time in my life but instead it's been stress-filled and anxiety-ridden. My pregnancy hormones are already raging and now they are exaggerated more. I snap at everyone and cry at the drop of a hat. My husband is seriously getting sick of my daily crying spells and he's not even here except part of the day.

Whine, whine, whine. I feel better already though. Thanks for letting me get it out.

While I'm Waiting

John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord