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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

the verdict

The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days. To me the irony is that I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks 4 days. Just two days before the baby suppsedly died we saw the heartbeat. I knew right away on the ultrasound today as soon as the baby came into focus. You could see the baby and you could see the heart but no pulsing bright light, no heartbeat. I simply said, "there's no heartbeat" and the ultrasound tech said, "You caught me. I'm going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound." This was, I'm assuming, to get the clearer picture and measure the baby, but it was irritating to me that I was 95% positive that the baby had died and she wouldn't say it. When she left the room for me to get undressed it took her forever to come back and then during the vaginal US the doctor came in to tell me.

It's amazing to me that they can tell when the baby stopped growing exactly. It's also amazing to me that although I had a very strong (bad) feeling about the baby a couple of weeks ago, other than that and the very light spotting I would not have known.

All kinds of thoughts keep going through my head. If I had been home I am convinced that things would be no different. My next OB appointment would have been yesterday and it would have shown the same thing. The only thing that could have helped is if I had had cramps or spotting earlier and had been home I could have had the earlier US. I am angry that the ER could not have done an US and given me answers like this on Friday. I am angry that the doctor's office could not have seen me yesterday and given me answers a day earlier. I am glad to have my little girl.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon and go in for surgery the next morning at 9am. She did give me the option to go home, but after talking with her about what the surgery entails it does not seem important to me to be at home when I should be fully recovered by Thursday afternoon/evening. She stressed that I get the procedure done as early as possible and that is fine with me. Jonathan will be here Thursday night.

Overall, I really am fine so far. I am not worried about what I could have done differently and I am already looking past it to the future. Whether that is good or bad I don't know and don't really care at this point. Call me crazy, but I am mostly just worried about whether Jules will notice that we stop talking about a baby for several months. And of course, wondering about my bridesmaid's dress for my sister's wedding in 3 months.

I'm totally assuming that they'll make me wait a few complete cycles before I start trying again and I question - Will Julianna be 4 years old when she gets a baby brother or sister? Will she be ten? Will she be the only one for us?

Any answer is fine although some are preferable to others. I am truly blessed to have my Doodlebug. Some people are not as lucky.

Thank you all for your prayers.

17 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear your news. I know it must be so fusterating that it took you so long to get answers. You are a strong woman and I know you will get through this. You do have a wonderful and beautiful daughter, just look at her smile everyday and she will help you heal. If you need anything at all, please let me know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear your news. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure that this is difficult for you and your family. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask...thats what sisters are for

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  3. i wanted to call you when jon told me, but i just don't want to upset you right now, cause i'm sure your upset enough as it is. i was i could be down there with you right now, but that will come soon enough. i love you and call me if you feel like talkin'. britt and i are here.

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  4. I am SO sad to hear this news and thought about you many times the past few days. You will certainly be in my prayers as you deal with your own feeling and as you talk to Jules.

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  5. Court,
    I have just discovered your blog and am so sad that this is one of the first entries that i have read. I think Jules will be such great therapy for you right now. She is a beautiful little angel. My thoughts are with you all.
    Love, your cuz, Zannie

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  6. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Take comfort in your beautiful little girl. Please let me know if there's anything we can do.

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  7. Courtney, I wish that there were words I could say to make you feel better. You and your family are in my prayers. I'm thinking about you...

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  8. Courtney, I pop in to read your great blog ever so often and was just heart broken when I read this post. I am so sorry! Prayers and hugs being sent your way!

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  9. Courtney - I am so very sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself - I'll be saying a prayer for you and your family.

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  10. Wow Courtney - I'm so sorry about this. I am really impressed by your graceful expression of faith and hope in the face of something that is so devastating. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

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  11. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little one, Courtney. Though I have no experince with this type of thing, I can only imagine what heartbreak this is, and, yet, you must be so very strong and understanding to write about it so eloquently. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. My mother and your mother are friends, Courtney, and she passed along your story. I am so sorry for your loss as I am feeling the exact same thing. I cannot believe the coincidences I read in your blog.

    I recently found out on July 7th of my miscarriage. I was 12 weeks. They estimate my baby died at 8 weeks 6 days. Just two days before, I had had my first ultrasound. Like you, I felt there was something wrong with the baby. I had even more suspicions at my 11 week pap, when they could not detect a heart beat with the sonogram, but the DR. told me not to worry. I am angry about that. I could have known right then, but apparently since I wasn't showing any signs they didn't really suspect. It took a horse related accident and me following up with my OB for them to diagnose. I then began to miscarry on my own on the 9th (surgery scheduled for the 10th) and they decided to do a D&C 1 day early as I had passed a few clots.

    This pregnancy was a surprise to my husband and I... and we had just begun to accept our new life ahead and were excited. It took loosing the baby to realize we really did want it and have decided to actually try for one in the coming months.

    Take care of yourself.

    Hugs, Anna

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  13. courtney, i just want you to know that i am praying for you and your family!!! i am thinking of you and you have really amazed me with your strength! much love to you!

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  14. I have been thinking about and am so saddened to hear this news. I will be thinking of you as you go through this. Please know that we are all here to help in any way we can. You are truly an inspiration and I admire you for your upbeat perspective. Jules and Jonathan are blessed to have you. Hugs to you!!

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  15. Courtney, my heart aches for you! I was so sad to see this news. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You know I am always happy to help any way I can. Lots of Hugs and Love to you

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  16. I'm so sorry. This is so, so sad.

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