dealing with depression and anxiety [part 3]

Alternate title: meme overload

This is the third and final part in a series of posts I've written on depression and anxiety. Part 1 from last week is here and Part 2 was published earlier in the week and can be found here. I'd love to have your input either in the comments or via email.

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I don't know everything. Not even close. I just want to talk about my experiences. The only things I really know about depression and anxiety I've had to figure out on my own. Since no one really talks about this like it's ordinary mental health, it's hard to share it with people without feeling like you're begging for attention or without feeling judged.

I first recognized I had some anxiety and depression issues outside of normalcy when I had a 4 month old baby. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to being at home all day putting someone else's needs above my own literally 24 hours a day (86,400 seconds).

My sister was in graduate school and lived with us during that time. My husband, mom and sister were a terrific support system for me with a newborn baby. They knew I was depressed before I knew. They cried with me, listened and talked with me.

As a first time mom with breastfeeding issues weighing me down, I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation, alienation from my ordinary life, and adjustment to all of the demands of caring for a child. I cried daily. I counted the hours until Jonathan came home from work. I hardly took care of myself.

After Julianna was about 5 or 6 months old things finally started getting better. I would say I was back to my normal self by the time she was 9 months.

I struggled for a little bit with trying to find a balance between being a mom and working or staying at home. I decided staying at home wasn't right for me and began looking for a teaching job again. I went through a sad time when I couldn't find the right job.

When we began planning on having another baby I became really anxious about dealing with PPD again. I was proactive enough to talk with my doctor and get on antidepressants when I became pregnant. When Josh was born I had a much, much, much easier time. Second baby, sure, but the meds helped too.  I felt ready to get off of them before he reached six months.

I got a full time teaching job before Josh was a year old.  I've dealt with parenting and working full-time over the last five years pretty well I would say. I've managed most of my emotions and stress with running. I haven't been on antidepressants at all. I've definitely had the usual roller-coaster periods but never been as sad as I was the past couple of weeks.

All of this being said, I would like to share the few things that have helped me.

Here are my tips for dealing with depression and anxiety for what they're worth:

1. Let your closest friends and family know that you're feeling down.

2. Make sure to get outside, sunshine or not, every day.

3. Make yourself run or do whatever other kind of exercise you typically like to participate in even though you don't feel like it.

4. Make a point to eat nutritious foods.

5. Read the Bible and think about what God has done for you.

6. Take a shower and get dressed in something other than sweatpants. Wear make-up and comb your hair.

7. Take a picture of something you're thankful for every day. Then flip back through them before you do to sleep.

8. Do all of these things even when you don't want to. Believe me: you're not going to want to but do them anyway.

9. Think about doing something kind for someone else. If you feel up to it then do it, but if not at least write it down so that you'll remember to do it later.

10. Make a conscious effort to rephrase what you say so that it sounds confident and positive. This is a hard one.

Leave a comment with the last thing you did but add "Like a Boss" to the end of it.

Any tips you want to add?

circus

For Christmas we got Jane a box of circus animal crackers and wrapped up some tickets to Ringling Bros, Barnum and Bailey Circus to go with them.

This was pretty amazing:

(video is also here if the above doesn't work)

Jane loved the "flying" girls. They were wearing glow-in-the-dark costumes and they were so high up that it was easier for her to see.

I think Jane had as much fun eating as she did watching the show. Check out her pretzel. It was bigger than her head!

Our Circus Selfie

Josh was the funniest with his intermission question.

I'm glad we got to go! It's so much fun being a parent and watching your kids be amazed. We are so fortunate!

Mistletoe 2014 Edition + 2014 Running Summary

I ran the Mistletoe Half Marathon Saturday a week ago. It was my last race of the year.

I ran it last year as a pacer and was invited to do it again so I gladly accepted. I also ran it in 2012 and this is becoming one of my favorite races since I consider it my "home course." I love that this race is in it's 31st year and that it is still improving. This was only the second time they have offered pace groups.

I was a pacer for the 2:30 goal time and my dad was signed up to run with me. Since he's still having a bit of pain he decided to run the first half with me and then meet my sister to switch off and finish the second half. The groups running with pacers were much larger this year than last which made it more fun. At the start I had probably 20 people ask me for the split times that we were aiming for. We had at least a half dozen people say they were going to try to stay with us. One of them was a former student of mine and her mother was along for the fun with her.

We started out faster than I would have liked for the first mile but I have a habit of that. Our average pace per mile was supposed to be right at 11:26 and we were at 11:09 for the first mile so we slowed it down and tried to stay right on track.

It was great weather. We were worried because it was supposed to rain the majority of the day but it was in the mid 40s and only drizzled a few times.

We did really well for the first 6 miles. We were averaging around an 11:20 pace and we were satisfied with that. There were about 4 or five girls staying with us and they were all comfortable and we were all pleased with only being 5 or 6 seconds fast. One man was doing run/walk intervals and he was staying with us to this point.

My dad broke off after Reynolda Village and we saw my sister ahead. She ran with me through Wake Forest University, back through Reynolda Village and Graylyn and then I started tanking around mile 10 in Buena Vista. This is a repeat from last year.

I walked about ten steps, saw a dear friend cheering, and kept on trucking. My sister was only about 50 yards ahead of me for the entire rest of the way. My pace group "passengers" stayed pretty much in between my sister and I for the last couple of miles and then started walking a bit for the last mile or mile and a half.

My sister probably finished 30 seconds ahead of me. My official finish time was 2:28:38 which is a new PR by about a minute for me. The best part is knowing that if I can do that time at Mistletoe, I know that I can do much better on a flat course.

I didn't think anything could top 2014, but I think 2015's going to be a good running year!

I'm on schedule to break 1200 miles for the year (which is 100 mile/month average) and I don't think I'll ever see that number again so I am completely proud of it.  I ran 6 official races this year: one 5k, one half marathon, one 25k, one 30k, two full marathons. I went through 4 pairs of shoes (even though my current pair has at least another hundred miles to go in them) and we won't talk about how much money I spent on running because I don't even know that number.

If you had asked me when I was 25 if I ever thought I'd run a marathon it would have been a quick, easy answer. If you'd told me when I was 18 that I'd run a marathon I would have looked at you like you were crazy. Now, I can't imagine life without running. It's my coping mechanism, my therapy and it makes me a better person in general.

If you don't run, I totally get that.  If you think you could never run, I'd still encourage you to give it a try. You may find that you were wrong. I know that I was.

it takes a village

Jonathan was going out of town with his dad for the weekend so we made plans ahead of time for the kids to go to Mamaw's to spend the night Friday night. This was so I could get up before the sun Saturday morning for marathon training and nor have to wake them up to take them somewhere.

Wait. Let me back up a minute. In April when we went to Raleigh for the last marathon the kids stayed with Jonathan's mom (their choice) instead of coming to watch the race. Julianna had an active day followed by tons to eat for dinner and that night started feeling sick and threw up. She was fine the whole next day so she must have just eaten too much.

Then we went to the mountains for my niece's blessing three weeks ago and for some unknown reason we were woken up shortly after ten to the sound of Julianna trying to get out of the tent and then puking.

All this is to say that she had since had some anxiety about spending the night anywhere besides her own bed. She did not want to go anywhere this weekend but we talked about it many times with her assuring her that she would be ok... that it wasn't the fact that she was sleeping elsewhere that made her sick and that even if she did get sick it wouldn't be the end of the world. We told her how much it was helping us out to have her spend the night and that otherwise she'd have to get up at 5 am to go stay with someone while I ran.

Anyway, Friday came. She got sick. After many back and forths, I went to pick her up. We came home. I skipped my training run Saturday morning and I honestly do think she had some kind of minor stomach bug this time in addition to the worry of getting sick away from home.

Still. I was depressed. I missed my run and Jonathan was still out of town so I didn't know when I was going to do it.

Julianna was acting a bit better Saturday night at church. I figured I could just drop the kids off at mom and dad's before church on Sunday morning. They weren't happy about having to go to church twice but until they are old enough to stay by themselves I'm afraid they don't have much choice.

I sucked up my pity party. I planned my 14 mile route. I dropped the kids off at my parent's house right before they left for church.  I was not feeling it this morning but it was one I was just going to have to get done.

It was hard.  I walked a lot. My audio book wasn't holding-my-attention good. My stomach felt weak. My sister drove past me at one point, parked, ran 3.5 miles with me, went back home to feed the baby. I finished the last 6 miles running and walking whenever I felt like it. It wasn't pretty but y'all, I did it.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I say it takes a village to get Courtney to run a marathon. I'm so thankful for my mother-in-law, mom, dad, sister, kids, and training group. Couldn't do it alone.

that was the best Panera sandwich I've ever had

Today I am sitting in an airplane seat but not going anywhere. No, I'm not stuck on a runway waiting for other planes to takeoff and no, I'm not waiting for the weather to clear. It's a pretty interesting story, really.

My mom texted my sister and I after she got home from church one night. Someone had given her a flyer advertising the need for test subjects for an airline seat test. The study required 6.5 hours of sitting in an airplane seat and evaluating the comfort every fifteen minutes. They provide complimentary lunch and pay each test subject $200.

Wait. What? $200? We signed up immediately.

My parents kept the kids and we went to sit. Sit we did. And we sat some more. Hurt my bottom, but not enough to refuse the $30/hour.

We mostly just read and surfed the internet. I tried not too spend my $200 by shopping online. After all, we're having car trouble so it's looking like I may need that $200 to go towards a partial car payment. Ugh. Yes, that's life. Easy come easy go, right?

Have you done anything fun to make money lately?

Dear Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
You have the most amazing parents. (And your Aunt is pretty cool too!)

You're perfect in absolutely every way... beyond what we could have expected, imagined, hoped for.

I've always admired your Mama, but I have a new perspective now.  She's truly amazing! I know you already think so too. Just look at you already trying to grab at her mouth!

On the other hand, your Daddy can do anything! There's never been a thing that he hasn't been brave enough to try at least once.  I have no doubt you'll have great adventures with him.

Baby Jane, you are already loved so, so much.  The world is a much better place now that you're here to share it with us.

Guess I better go ahead and set up a new blog label, huh?