dealing with depression and anxiety [part 3]

Alternate title: meme overload

This is the third and final part in a series of posts I've written on depression and anxiety. Part 1 from last week is here and Part 2 was published earlier in the week and can be found here. I'd love to have your input either in the comments or via email.

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I don't know everything. Not even close. I just want to talk about my experiences. The only things I really know about depression and anxiety I've had to figure out on my own. Since no one really talks about this like it's ordinary mental health, it's hard to share it with people without feeling like you're begging for attention or without feeling judged.

I first recognized I had some anxiety and depression issues outside of normalcy when I had a 4 month old baby. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to being at home all day putting someone else's needs above my own literally 24 hours a day (86,400 seconds).

My sister was in graduate school and lived with us during that time. My husband, mom and sister were a terrific support system for me with a newborn baby. They knew I was depressed before I knew. They cried with me, listened and talked with me.

As a first time mom with breastfeeding issues weighing me down, I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation, alienation from my ordinary life, and adjustment to all of the demands of caring for a child. I cried daily. I counted the hours until Jonathan came home from work. I hardly took care of myself.

After Julianna was about 5 or 6 months old things finally started getting better. I would say I was back to my normal self by the time she was 9 months.

I struggled for a little bit with trying to find a balance between being a mom and working or staying at home. I decided staying at home wasn't right for me and began looking for a teaching job again. I went through a sad time when I couldn't find the right job.

When we began planning on having another baby I became really anxious about dealing with PPD again. I was proactive enough to talk with my doctor and get on antidepressants when I became pregnant. When Josh was born I had a much, much, much easier time. Second baby, sure, but the meds helped too.  I felt ready to get off of them before he reached six months.

I got a full time teaching job before Josh was a year old.  I've dealt with parenting and working full-time over the last five years pretty well I would say. I've managed most of my emotions and stress with running. I haven't been on antidepressants at all. I've definitely had the usual roller-coaster periods but never been as sad as I was the past couple of weeks.

All of this being said, I would like to share the few things that have helped me.

Here are my tips for dealing with depression and anxiety for what they're worth:

1. Let your closest friends and family know that you're feeling down.

2. Make sure to get outside, sunshine or not, every day.

3. Make yourself run or do whatever other kind of exercise you typically like to participate in even though you don't feel like it.

4. Make a point to eat nutritious foods.

5. Read the Bible and think about what God has done for you.

6. Take a shower and get dressed in something other than sweatpants. Wear make-up and comb your hair.

7. Take a picture of something you're thankful for every day. Then flip back through them before you do to sleep.

8. Do all of these things even when you don't want to. Believe me: you're not going to want to but do them anyway.

9. Think about doing something kind for someone else. If you feel up to it then do it, but if not at least write it down so that you'll remember to do it later.

10. Make a conscious effort to rephrase what you say so that it sounds confident and positive. This is a hard one.

Leave a comment with the last thing you did but add "Like a Boss" to the end of it.

Any tips you want to add?

dealing with depression and anxiety [part 2]

Continued from a post I wrote last week...

I've long since known that the best way to manage my depression and anxiety is through exercise.

When I exercise I get enough sleep. I feel good about myself and all other areas of my life have more meaning. I'm more patient with my children, I work harder at work, I work harder at home. I'm not lazy and lethargic. I pay more attention to what I eat and when I eat it. I socialize more when I run. I actually want to bathe and put on decent clothes instead of just sweats. Some of these are crazy sounding, I know. I wrote about a lot of these things when I talked about why I encourage my children to run.

As I've been working my way out of the funk that I described a few days ago I started making little lists of what I could do to help. I mentioned that I knew what needed to be done but I just didn't know how to start the climb.  Apparently, I just had to think about it for a few days and then just decide to start.

One of the things I kept thinking about over and over again was running.

For comparison's sake, the numbers below represent my running miles for the last 9 months beside of a number representing my depression and anxiety level on a scale of 1 (virtually none) to 10 (through the roof level).

And because I'm a nerd I decided to graph the data to see the real correlation.

You can see that there's a clear relationship between the ups and the downs in my mileage per month and my level of anxiety and depression.

Not surprisingly, my weight also has a direct correlation with this information. Naturally, my weight is highest when I'm depressed and not running. My weight is lowest when I care about what I put into my body and when I'm taking care of it with exercise, good sleep and nutrition.

This is Why I Run.

My weight is at the highest it's been in a couple of years. (I looked. July of 2012 was the last time I weighed this much and though I weighed ten pounds more than that just a couple of months before that, I refuse to put those ten pounds back on.)

It is not fun to dislike your body and it is not fun to feel anxious about everything, sensitive, and sad all the time.

I've started tracking my runs and including notes about weight and nutrition, not just times and distances.

Just like with dieting and tracking what you eat, I'm finding that simply by being intentional and taking note of this information I'm becoming more aware of it and it's helping me make better choices.

I'm sure if I listed them all out there would literally be a hundred reasons why I run. (I will save this post for another day because I don't want it to take away from the purpose of this series and Mental Health Awareness month.)

For now, I'm running for mental health. I'm running to manage my anxiety and depression. I'm running to deal with life.

Why do you run? What other ways do you cope with emotions? 

To be continued...

dealing with depression and anxiety [part 1]

A whole week goes by. I don't run. I feel bored, stressed, little energy, no motivation.

I don't sleep well. My back starts to hurt.

My diet, which had been going so well starts to crumble. My dedication fades. I stop caring about eating right.

I stop playing with the kids. I have little patience for their stories which seem to take an eternity to finish.

While I still cook dinner and switch the laundry over it's like everything moves in slow motion now.

I quit posting my thankful pictures. I just don't care.

I start feeling a pull to eat something horrible for me. I order a burger and hot chips at a restaurant. The 2000 calorie meal only makes me feel terrible. I sit on the couch later, sad and frustrated. Mostly just mad at myself. Plus, I'm miserable with a stomachache and gerd and don't sleep well because of it.

Then the stress and tension from no sleep causes a pulled neck muscle. The stiff neck makes me uncomfortable all day... not wanting to run or move or anything.... vicious cycle.

I go to running practice because I said I would but I don't want to. I'm only there because I said I would be there. That's reason alone to commit to group exercise.

But now, since I've messed up the beginning of the week in every other way, it's easy to find excuses to miss the rest of my runs.

I'm about as depressed as I've been since Julianna was five months old.

I long for the routine of a training schedule. I need the structure of a list and checking off a training run each day on a calendar. I long for a consistent diet and adequate quality sleep.

I need the exhaustion that comes after a hard workout. I need the physical fatigue that comes from a two hour run, not the fatigue of little sleep, pulled muscles, and couch-sitting.

I need to get back to eating nutritious meals and not feeding my emotions. At the very least I need to not eat doughnuts for breakfast.

I know what has to be done. It's could be any of several different things that I know will work. I just don't know how to start the climb.

To be continued...

incentives for grades, etc + why I believe running is good for my children

When I was growing up, my parents certainly believed in incentives. My dad is a forward-thinking man that's not afraid to do something a little different than everyone else and he is very financially motivated. He would often come up with ideas to try to convince my sister and I to behave a certain way or perform some way in particular. We were paid for good grades and even though that often came in the form of I.O.U. notes in our money jar I was still somehow a good student.

I don't think it was the money alone that convinced me to do well in school although I'm sure it helped. I think overall it was the expectation that my parents had that I do well. Nevertheless, the money didn't hurt their cause and I rarely got a C on a report card and I never got a D or an F.

This is the first year that Julianna has gotten a report card with actual grades on it. In Forsyth County students in Kindergarten through second grade only get report cards with E, S, N, and Us on them but when they finally reach third grade (the big year when state testing begins) their report cards show both a number and a letter grade (A, B, C, D, or F).

For Kindergarten, first, and second grade we rewarded Julianna with a special outing every time she received a good report card. We'd let her pick somewhere out of the ordinary that she wanted to go and then we'd do it. Josh just got to come along for fun. Usually she picked roller skating, ice skating, putt-putt, or Chuck E. Cheese. This worked pretty well for us and she never brought home what we considered to be a poor report card.

Now that she's in third grade, receiving actual number grades, and in HAG we really felt like rewarding her with something more when she brought home a first quarter report card that was straight As. Jonathan decided to give her money for each A and she was thrilled.

The new school and the challenge of being in a gifted classroom where suddenly she is not the smartest in the class has been really difficult for Jules. We're a little over halfway through the school year and there have been quite a few nights we've been in tears because she's felt like it has been a lot of work and she's also felt frustration at not understanding new concepts especially when the others in her class seem to understand. Mom and Dad have had added stress from the number of projects required outside of class.

Even so, we've tried to only pressure her to do her best and not worry about her project grades, not worry about the other kids, just be satisfied that's she's done what she's capable of. We've tried to emphasize that grades are important because they impact your future but they're more important because they indicate how YOU can perform and how hard YOU work. I hope we've gotten the point across that the end result is not as important to us as the process she takes to get there. If she's happy with how hard she's worked, then I can be happy with that. She brought home straight As on her second quarter report card and we paid her for those As as well.

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A year or so ago when Julianna did the Run for God 5k with us I had the idea that perhaps I should pay her for running. I briefly discussed it with Jonathan and he didn't think it was as good of an idea as I did so we nixed it and went on with life. We all ran the 5k, Julianna placed first in her age group (pictures on that page linked above), and she has run off and on since then (the last year and a half).

Over Christmas break this past year I started thinking about how I could encourage my kids to get moving some more. Again, the idea popped into my head to offer a paid incentive for them to run around the neighborhood with me. Without being in the regular habit of meeting for Run for God, the kids had really gotten out of the habit of exercising at all other than what little they do at school. (What little exercise they actually get at school is a whole other soapbox topic that I could spout off about on another day.) Plus, Julianna had recently taken the dog on several walks and I thought maybe she'd like to do it more if I offered to pay her.

I talked with Jonathan again and he said he would support it if I wanted to pay them $1/mile so I told the kids that I wanted to give them $1 for every mile they ran this year. They seemed indifferent at the time but they weren't going to argue with someone offering to give them money.

Now every time they say they're bored I ask if they want to go run around the neighborhood with me. Most of the time they don't want to go. I still believe that they'll run more this year than if I hadn't offered to pay them.

Here's why I believe my kids should be encouraged to run and rewarded when they do.

Community
I talked about the sense of community that running fosters here. It's important to me that my children see the relationships that running builds. When you feel like you're a part of something bigger than yourself it makes you want to be a better person. When you relate to total strangers because you have shared interests it makes you feel good and there's a huge bolster in morale when you receive encouragement from someone who doesn't know you from Adam. My kids may never win awards or break records, I surely don't, but they can also be a part of a special family that cheers for each other and lifts each other up.

Coping With Stress
Running Helps Young Girls Cope With Pre-Teen Stress. We don't often realize it but our kids are under a lot of stress too. "Adolescent girls are twice as likely as boys to suffer anxiety and depression," says the article. "Running skills such as breathing and endurance help girls connect with themselves at a time in their lives when they are under pressure to conform." Anybody can run, but young girls especially can benefit from it.

Builds Confidence and Lifts Mood
Running makes you feel powerful. It makes you feel like you can do anything. When you complete a tough run you get a huge confidence boost and wonder why you ever thought you couldn't do it. When you're thinking, "should have," "could have," or "would have" all the time it's hard to have high self-esteem. On the other hand when you're thinking, "I can't believe I just..." it's hard not it. Plus, I know my husband can take one look at me when I've had a bad day and he'll simply say, "You need to go for a run" and we'll need all the help we can get with mood swings as my daughter enters adolescence.

Perseverance
Running teaches lessons about quitting, endurance, and perseverance, all lessons that could not be more valuable in life.

Heart Health
Running is simply good for our hearts. Our hearts are muscular organs that have to be worked in order to stay strong. Running works our heart muscles and helps us stay fit. Running helps us maintain a healthy weight. In addition, kids who play sports are also less likely to smoke later in life which might prevent heart disease.

Quality Time
My love language is quality time and running with my kids allows us to spend quality time together. We can talk about whatever they want when we run together just like my training group and I complain about our busy weeks, our aches and pains, and discuss the latest books we've read. If they don't already, my kids will come to realize that they have my undivided attention when we run together and that is time well spent.

Healthy Competition
Running teaches you to compete with yourself more than you compete with others. The only person you have to be better than is the person you were yesterday. A mile is a mile no matter if it takes you twelve minutes or six minutes.

Athletes Perform Better in School
Time and time again studies have shown that athletes do better in school. They have higher grades and better attendance. Of course, this goes for all sports but runners are not excluded. When you're involved in sports your coaches encourage (or require) you to keep your grades up. There are extra tutors available. You have to be at school in order to compete in the games. Because you are disciplined enough to be an athlete, you are typically disciplined enough to do well academically.

Running is Flexible
My daughter has played soccer, softball, taken dance, and gymnastics at one point or another and she may or may not stick with those throughout her life but she can always run. She won't have to wait for the season to start and she won't have to wait for the right location or lesson. She can just run. And I hope she does.

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I don't think I've ever mentioned it on my blog, but in 2010 when Julianna was just four and a half she ran her first timed race. It was the Mission Mile put on by Fleet Feet and benefited the Winston-Salem Rescue Mission. Jonathan and I did the 5k I believe and Julianna ran the one mile race.

At this point in her life she really hadn't participated in organized sports. She had taken dance and played soccer at a little camp but the girl wanted a trophy or a medal and she hadn't gotten one yet. Honestly, we wanted to do the race so we (selfishly?) talked it up to her and then we ordered her a medal ahead of time since we knew they wouldn't be giving them out for this race. It was only a couple of dollars from Oriental Trading Company.

She ran that whole stinkin' mile until she rounded the corner and came upon the finish line. All of those people gathered at the end cheering near the finish line corral overwhelmed her and scared her to the point of stopping in the middle of the street and refusing to move again for several minutes. Other runners passed us over and over again as we stood there looking at each other, me begging her to move. She turned and would have run off the course if she'd known where to go. I reached for her hand but she wouldn't come forward any more.

I never wanted to write about this publicly because I know it would embarrass her. The thing is that there are few times that I've been as proud of her. Somehow she got over the shock of seeing all of those people looking at her and she finished the race. I don't know how much the medal played a part of her finding the courage to run those last few meters to the finish line, but I do know that it's one thing I told her about to try to encourage her to get going again. For whatever reason, the kid finished her race and we gave Jules her medal. Proudly.

I want to know:
How do you reward your children? 
Do you use incentives to try to encourage your kids to behave a certain way?
Do you think I'm crazy for agreeing to pay my kids $1/per mile run this year?
Finally, how much do you think they've earned so far?

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Don't forget about my review of Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand or entering the giveaway for a $25 certificate to Family Christian. Hurry! Contest closes Friday at midnight!

a quick letter

Dear Julianna,

I'm writing you because I have some things I want to tell you. If I told you these few things that I've been thinking about you'd likely just roll your eyes. My words would probably fall on deaf ears because you're at the age where you're starting to realize mom and dad don't always know everything. You're beginning to believe that you might know a bit more about some things than we do and I know that'd only going to get worse as you get to be a teenager. At any rate, I want to tell you a few things I've learned.

I've learned that when you're 35 or 36 or 37 your worth doesn't come from other people. Your worth comes from yourself. No one can say how good you are or how worthless you are except you. Don't let other people determine how you feel about yourself. There's a reason God made you just the way you are and remember that He doesn't make mistakes.

I've learned that the best thing you can do in life is just be kind to people. Love others just the way you would want to be loved. You'll be amazed at how much easier it makes all of your relationships. If other people see that you are just plain kind, they'll want to be near you.

I've learned that confidence is worth a million bucks and a million bucks is a LOT. If you don't think you can hit a home run then you probably won't, but somehow if you begin to believe that you can run a marathon then you can. It might be natural to think that you can't do some things as well as others, but fight the urge to believe that. Believe in yourself and you can do whatever you want.

I've learned that it may seem like one of the most important things in life is to have a lot of friends, but it's not. Being popular doesn't guarantee happiness. The most important relationships are the ones that are honest and true. Just be the best you that you can be and your relationships will happen naturally.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

I certainly don't know everything, Jules, but I do know these things. Your 35-year-old self will look back on your almost-9-year-old self and wish you had known that your worth comes from you, that kindness is valuable, that having confidence is key, and popularity is not. I pray that God helps you grown and learn and that you become all that He made you to be.

Love you, Doodlebug!
Mama

cell phone contracts

When I turned 16 my parents gave me a car and a contract to go along with it. The contract had to be signed before I could drive it and I had to agree to do things like drive responsibly, always wear my seat belt, never drive after drinking alcohol, take my sister necessary places, help pick up my grandparents laundry once a week, etc. I think it was pretty effective in stressing the importance of the car being a privilege and not a right and also encouraging safety.

My daughter is only eight but she already wants a cell phone. Julianna is actually doing a project for school where she has to tell how she would spend a million dollars and one of the things she wrote that she would buy was a cell phone. Actually, Josh wants one too and he's only four.  I've been mulling over the idea of responsible cell phone usage and not that I'll be getting either of my children one any time soon, but it has been good to give it some thought.

I know that one of the best ways to teach children is by modeling. I have pretty good kids. I try to model good behavior all the time but everyone knows how difficult that can be. It's easier not to text and drive now that I have the new car, but I don't think that ANY kid will listen when you tell them not to text and drive if they see you doing it yourself.

Some things I've been thinking about regarding cell phones that I believe would be good in a contract for your kids when they first get a cell phone are listed below. I'd love to hear your thoughts so that I can be prepared for the day when my kids do get their own phones. Leave some input in the comments if you have anything to add.

source

• Having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right. Using it with the expectation that it is yours to use as you please is a mistake and your parents are under no obligation to let you use it however and whenever you please.
• The use of a cell phone requires responsibility. I acknowledge that it is a serious matter. If my phone gets lost, damaged, wet, or ruined in any other way I will take responsibility for my actions and replace the phone at my own expense.
• Safety first! Operating a vehicle while using a cell phone injures and kills more than 419,000 people per year. I recognize that if I were to use my phone while driving I could injure or kill myself or others. I agree to do the safe thing and not use the phone until I've reached my destination.
• I acknowledge that a cell phone gives me access to beau coups of information. What I do with that information is up to me. I will search the web for only information that I would willingly share with my parents.
• Communicating with people is a life skill that I should know how to do well. I will use my manners when communicating via text, phone conversation, instant messaging, social media sites, etc just as if I was talking with them face-to-face. I will not say anything to anyone via text message or social media outlet that I would not say to them or to their grandmother's face.
• In addition to the communication guidelines mentioned above, I will not use my cell phone to be rude. When I am face-to-face with another human being I will give them the respect that they deserve and I will put down my phone. I will not carry my phone to class. I will not use my phone in public meetings such as during church and other groups where my attention is desired elsewhere.
• I will not give out information that should be kept private. This includes my own personal information and other people's information such as names, addresses, and phone numbers as well as pictures that are private in nature.
• I recognize that the information and pictures that I post are public and subject to almost immeasurable repercussions. The lasting impact of cyberspace is very powerful and I will take care to only post pictures and information that I don't mind being around forever.
• I agree to give my parents access to my phone periodically and any time upon their request. Until I prove that I am responsible enough to use a phone in a careful, respectful, and conscientious manner my cell phone usage will be monitored.

What other thoughts would you add?

What do you think is the earliest age that is appropriate to give a child a cell phone?

Do your kids have a cell phone? If so, what limits or guidelines have you placed on it's usage?

this is hard to admit

I'm not sure how it came up, but one night after thinking about the disarray of our house for a while, I asked my husband if he thought we were on the messier side of average or on the cleaner side of average for the standard American household.  His response was that he thought we were messier. We're not Hoarders Level or anything, but indeed messy.

I've known for a long time that our house was not clean.

When we had a small group meeting together regularly in our house for church, it became routine that we would tidy up everything for company each Sunday. It was a lot of work to clean up everything from the whole week to get ready for that but I think everyone has a certain level of cleanliness that they find acceptable for company and we had to get to ours regularly due to hosting that small group meeting.

Of course, I've tried all kinds of clean-as-you go or day-of-the-week "systems" plenty of times before but nothing would ever stick for me.

I've always preferred stacking stuff so that my mess looks like organized chaos.

It seems as the years have gone by and the family of two became a family of three and then four maintaining a clean home has become much more difficult.

Three years ago when I went back to work full time, Jonathan had to pick up a lot of slack around the house. Suddenly we were both working full-time again and he had to help more with the cleaning or it just wouldn't get done.

When I switched jobs this year and started going to school before the kids are even up it's added more to his plate again because he has to get them ready for school, fix their breakfasts and lunches and get them to school on time.

It's really become bad since I started marathon training.  Sometimes I just have to choose to sit down on the couch wash running clothes instead of cleaning bathrooms or changing sheets and then because I run out the door, the sheets don't get changed and the bathrooms don't get cleaned.  I knew there would be a huge time commitment involved in this plan and it's exactly the picture I'd imagined.  Perhaps I should keep running marathons just so I don't have to clean regularly, no?

And I must say that I totally feel for my husband.  However, I KNOW that as with so many things, this is just a season. This too shall pass and we will get back to a more "normal" household routine after the marathon is over, but until then....

I want to find a balance between order and living life.  I don't want my kids to have to put every single toy they play with away before they get out another one.  I don't do that.  [Which could totally be the reason our house is "messier than average" and hence the reason for this post.] I don't know how some of the full-time working parents I know keep their house looking as good as they do, but I do know that for now, we can't do much more.

What say you Internets? What comes before cleaning at your house? And is it OK that I let my kids eat in front of the television on an old Blue's Clue's blanket on the floor a few nights a week because I'm scooting out the door to practice? Also, do you want to see pictures of my nasty house? My husband just might quit speaking to me if I do that.

photo credit: operationorganizationbyheidi.com

stories

It seems my children have been full of stories lately. I'm sorry to overload the blog with these types of posts but I am eager to get them down for memory's sake.

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"Mom, do you wanna know how to play the guitar? Here's a hint: you do Itsy Bitsy Spider Hands."

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As you know, last week was the 50th anniversary of the shooting of John F Kennedy. Julianna asked me as I was putting her to bed that night what I was doing when I heard the news that he was dead.  Innocent question, but it did give me a chuckle.

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Nanna started keeping Jane this week when my sister returned to work.  After the first day Josh asked me how cows got milk and why they made it and we talked all about mom's feeding their babies some milk, etc.  The part he really couldn't understand was how Nanna got milk for Jane's bottle. He thought it was milk from a cow and when I told him it wasn't because babies can't drink cow's milk he said, "Oh, I know it's milk from Nanna's boob."

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six things I've learned as a teacher that might not have occurred to you as a parent

• Lack of routine and little structure at home almost always means difficulty with routines and structure at school. This seems obvious, but as a teacher I see it every day. A parent is unorganized or un-involved in the child's time and activities after school and then they expect the student to get to school and adjust accordingly to the schedules and rigorous expectations there. It's hard for an adult to switch such environments daily so why should we expect our kids to do it well if we can't?
• A well-timed email to your child's teachers to say "Hi! How's my kid doing? I saw his ______ project and it looked like he'd worked hard on it" the week before the end of the grading period will be remembered as the teacher is entering grades.  Every quarter as I'm finalizing report cards I associate a student with a conversation or a note that I've had (or not had) with their parent recently.

• Another thing I have learned as a teacher is that the importance of reading with your elementary school child, or encouraging library visits for your older child is often underestimated. As a teacher I have learned that reading skills are invaluable. If parents read, kids are more likely to read and if parents take advantage of the resources offered for free at our public libraries then their kids are more likely to be successful at school. I've heard parents complain that the library waiting lists are too long for popular fiction, but the point I'm making is that simply visiting the library regularly is a powerful tool that a parent can use to help their children succeed.
• One of the best gifts you can give a teacher is to give them one day of duty-free lunch or one afternoon of no bus duty. It only takes about 20 minutes of volunteer time and it will be oh so very appreciated.
• As a teacher I have learned that middle and high school students give a lot of presentations, often one each week in a variety of different classes. Ask your child if they have a presentation this week and ask them to rehearse it for you. You can offer valuable feedback and it will help them relax when they give the presentation in front of their peers.

• Cyberbullying happens whether or not your child has access to a computer/smartphone/internet at home. Meet your kids on social media sites. Talk with your child about cyber safety. Have the conversation that says, "Hey, I care about you and it is your responsibility along with everyone else to make sure that it's a safe world... that includes reporting bullying incidents and not forwarding an embarrassing photo of a peer." Tell them to imagine walking a mile in someone else's shoes and then model it as an adult.

Parenting is hard, y'all.  Let's help each other do a better job of it.  Any tips or things you have found especially important as a parent? Please leave ideas in the comments.