dealing with depression and anxiety [part 3]

Alternate title: meme overload

This is the third and final part in a series of posts I've written on depression and anxiety. Part 1 from last week is here and Part 2 was published earlier in the week and can be found here. I'd love to have your input either in the comments or via email.

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I don't know everything. Not even close. I just want to talk about my experiences. The only things I really know about depression and anxiety I've had to figure out on my own. Since no one really talks about this like it's ordinary mental health, it's hard to share it with people without feeling like you're begging for attention or without feeling judged.

I first recognized I had some anxiety and depression issues outside of normalcy when I had a 4 month old baby. I had a really, really hard time adjusting to being at home all day putting someone else's needs above my own literally 24 hours a day (86,400 seconds).

My sister was in graduate school and lived with us during that time. My husband, mom and sister were a terrific support system for me with a newborn baby. They knew I was depressed before I knew. They cried with me, listened and talked with me.

As a first time mom with breastfeeding issues weighing me down, I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation, alienation from my ordinary life, and adjustment to all of the demands of caring for a child. I cried daily. I counted the hours until Jonathan came home from work. I hardly took care of myself.

After Julianna was about 5 or 6 months old things finally started getting better. I would say I was back to my normal self by the time she was 9 months.

I struggled for a little bit with trying to find a balance between being a mom and working or staying at home. I decided staying at home wasn't right for me and began looking for a teaching job again. I went through a sad time when I couldn't find the right job.

When we began planning on having another baby I became really anxious about dealing with PPD again. I was proactive enough to talk with my doctor and get on antidepressants when I became pregnant. When Josh was born I had a much, much, much easier time. Second baby, sure, but the meds helped too.  I felt ready to get off of them before he reached six months.

I got a full time teaching job before Josh was a year old.  I've dealt with parenting and working full-time over the last five years pretty well I would say. I've managed most of my emotions and stress with running. I haven't been on antidepressants at all. I've definitely had the usual roller-coaster periods but never been as sad as I was the past couple of weeks.

All of this being said, I would like to share the few things that have helped me.

Here are my tips for dealing with depression and anxiety for what they're worth:

1. Let your closest friends and family know that you're feeling down.

2. Make sure to get outside, sunshine or not, every day.

3. Make yourself run or do whatever other kind of exercise you typically like to participate in even though you don't feel like it.

4. Make a point to eat nutritious foods.

5. Read the Bible and think about what God has done for you.

6. Take a shower and get dressed in something other than sweatpants. Wear make-up and comb your hair.

7. Take a picture of something you're thankful for every day. Then flip back through them before you do to sleep.

8. Do all of these things even when you don't want to. Believe me: you're not going to want to but do them anyway.

9. Think about doing something kind for someone else. If you feel up to it then do it, but if not at least write it down so that you'll remember to do it later.

10. Make a conscious effort to rephrase what you say so that it sounds confident and positive. This is a hard one.

Leave a comment with the last thing you did but add "Like a Boss" to the end of it.

Any tips you want to add?

dealing with depression and anxiety [part 2]

Continued from a post I wrote last week...

I've long since known that the best way to manage my depression and anxiety is through exercise.

When I exercise I get enough sleep. I feel good about myself and all other areas of my life have more meaning. I'm more patient with my children, I work harder at work, I work harder at home. I'm not lazy and lethargic. I pay more attention to what I eat and when I eat it. I socialize more when I run. I actually want to bathe and put on decent clothes instead of just sweats. Some of these are crazy sounding, I know. I wrote about a lot of these things when I talked about why I encourage my children to run.

As I've been working my way out of the funk that I described a few days ago I started making little lists of what I could do to help. I mentioned that I knew what needed to be done but I just didn't know how to start the climb.  Apparently, I just had to think about it for a few days and then just decide to start.

One of the things I kept thinking about over and over again was running.

For comparison's sake, the numbers below represent my running miles for the last 9 months beside of a number representing my depression and anxiety level on a scale of 1 (virtually none) to 10 (through the roof level).

And because I'm a nerd I decided to graph the data to see the real correlation.

You can see that there's a clear relationship between the ups and the downs in my mileage per month and my level of anxiety and depression.

Not surprisingly, my weight also has a direct correlation with this information. Naturally, my weight is highest when I'm depressed and not running. My weight is lowest when I care about what I put into my body and when I'm taking care of it with exercise, good sleep and nutrition.

This is Why I Run.

My weight is at the highest it's been in a couple of years. (I looked. July of 2012 was the last time I weighed this much and though I weighed ten pounds more than that just a couple of months before that, I refuse to put those ten pounds back on.)

It is not fun to dislike your body and it is not fun to feel anxious about everything, sensitive, and sad all the time.

I've started tracking my runs and including notes about weight and nutrition, not just times and distances.

Just like with dieting and tracking what you eat, I'm finding that simply by being intentional and taking note of this information I'm becoming more aware of it and it's helping me make better choices.

I'm sure if I listed them all out there would literally be a hundred reasons why I run. (I will save this post for another day because I don't want it to take away from the purpose of this series and Mental Health Awareness month.)

For now, I'm running for mental health. I'm running to manage my anxiety and depression. I'm running to deal with life.

Why do you run? What other ways do you cope with emotions? 

To be continued...

dealing with depression and anxiety [part 1]

A whole week goes by. I don't run. I feel bored, stressed, little energy, no motivation.

I don't sleep well. My back starts to hurt.

My diet, which had been going so well starts to crumble. My dedication fades. I stop caring about eating right.

I stop playing with the kids. I have little patience for their stories which seem to take an eternity to finish.

While I still cook dinner and switch the laundry over it's like everything moves in slow motion now.

I quit posting my thankful pictures. I just don't care.

I start feeling a pull to eat something horrible for me. I order a burger and hot chips at a restaurant. The 2000 calorie meal only makes me feel terrible. I sit on the couch later, sad and frustrated. Mostly just mad at myself. Plus, I'm miserable with a stomachache and gerd and don't sleep well because of it.

Then the stress and tension from no sleep causes a pulled neck muscle. The stiff neck makes me uncomfortable all day... not wanting to run or move or anything.... vicious cycle.

I go to running practice because I said I would but I don't want to. I'm only there because I said I would be there. That's reason alone to commit to group exercise.

But now, since I've messed up the beginning of the week in every other way, it's easy to find excuses to miss the rest of my runs.

I'm about as depressed as I've been since Julianna was five months old.

I long for the routine of a training schedule. I need the structure of a list and checking off a training run each day on a calendar. I long for a consistent diet and adequate quality sleep.

I need the exhaustion that comes after a hard workout. I need the physical fatigue that comes from a two hour run, not the fatigue of little sleep, pulled muscles, and couch-sitting.

I need to get back to eating nutritious meals and not feeding my emotions. At the very least I need to not eat doughnuts for breakfast.

I know what has to be done. It's could be any of several different things that I know will work. I just don't know how to start the climb.

To be continued...

the conundrum with finding a new feed reader and a potential solution

When Google Reader announced that they'd be practically shutting down their feed reading service in July, like everyone else I was dumbfounded.  I even tried to capture my disappointment on Instagram that week.

I checked out Feedly like a bunch of others and wasn't impressed but that's honestly probably just because I couldn't get the hang of it.  Then I saw where Zoot recommended The Old Reader.  I immediately looked into it too.

It took Forever to import my posts, but I didn't really want to start over gathering feeds so I waited. (Really Forever probably equals a few days here.)

Now I've been using The Old Reader for a couple of weeks or so now and there's several things I like about it that I wanted to share.

First, I like that you can like posts again.  At the bottom of each post there is a like and a share button not just the share button that Google Reader had changed to include.

Plus you can log-in with your Google Account or your Facebook account which means you can share posts and interact easily with your friends through email or Facebook.  I love this feature.  To me, it makes it more social than Google Reader was.  For instance, when I share a post it goes in my friends' feed list just like it used to way back in the day in Google Reader.  The best part is that I can put a comment on the post that appears at the top of it so before my friends read it they can read my comment about it.

Everything else works much the same that Google Reader worked which is nice because you don't have to learn a new way to use your reader.

Anyway, if you're missing an easy way to keep up with blog posts or other (news, social, etc) sites that update regularly then I encourage you to check out The Old Reader.  It makes it a lot easier to keep up with the stuff you want to read and then share it with people who are important to you if you want.

I'd love it if you'd come back to let me know what you think if you've found another feed reader or if you look into The Old Reader.

more on the birds

From my mom's Facebook post:

The birds hatched last Thursday and Friday. On Sunday evening they were gone and the mother bird was distraught! We are so sad for her. She came back to the nest several times Monday. ...the circle of life...survival of the fittest.

for a french fry? really?!

Mondays are the roughest day of the week for me.  I have a mentor meeting after school on Mondays and head straight to the babysitter's house to quickly shuffle Julianna off to gymnastics.  She's there an hour which is not quite long enough to go home and come back and it's not really convenient to anything besides Wal-Mart and Chick-fil-a.  I've tried hanging out there while we wait but it is such a headache with a toddler who wants to run around and head out on the floor with the big kids so usually I kill time at Wal-Mart.  I actually have premature anxiety about how I'm going to stay sane when I have two kids to shuttle around to after school activities, but that's a story for another post.

Anyway, today was a beautiful day and my meeting was canceled so we grabbed Happy Meals and headed to a park on the way to gymnastics.  It was pretty crowded there and the kids weren't too interested in eating when there was a playground right in front of them so after a while I gave up the battle and just let them go play for a few minutes before we had to leave. 

As it turned out, I walked around the whole time carrying Happy Meal boxes and milk cartons and chasing Josh from apparatus to apparatus while shrugging off kid after kid who asked me for the Happy Meals.  So eventually the worst of the worst happened and Josh fell off the top of the playground equipment while I was right next to him.  I'm not even kidding.  I was Right There. 

[tears just thinking about how quickly my heart sprang way up my chest]

Fortunately it wasn't too high - probably only a tad higher than my waist - so he wasn't hurt too badly (and the squishy park flooring helps).  Nevertheless, it really scared him and he screamed and screamed.  I dove down to scoop him up and did a quick once over to see if there were any obvious and serious injuries and beforehand I threw the food and my cell phone down on the ground. 

Out of thin air this kid comes running at me.  He was probably three or four years old and he was one of the ones that had kept bothering me trying to stick his hands down in the Happy Meal boxes.  So he runs over and says, "Awww, is he OK?" as he sticks his grubby, mud-covered hand down into one of the Happy Meals, grabs a handful of fries and a chicken nugget and runs off.  I looked over and saw his mom watching the entire thing.

I was like, seriously, Dude. If I'd known you were that hungry I would have just given them to you in the first place.

an open letter

Dear Toys R Us,

You don't know me from Adam, but anyone who does can tell you that I am a pretty frugal girl.  I keep track of every receipt for nearly every purchase I make.  I monitor sales ads and track prices often returning items for price adjustments if the item I purchased has been reduced.  I clip coupons and shop around to get the best prices.  My point is that I make every effort to NOT be careless with my own (or my friends/relatives') hard earned money.

A few weeks ago you made a fool of me.  You essentially caused me to waste our friends' money.

A few weeks ago, just a week or so after Christmas, my family and I had the pleasure of trying to return two items marked "Toys R Us exclusive" on the very front of the box.  If time is money, we just spent a bunch of it for nothing.  I vehemently wish we had not wasted our time.  The response we received was, "I'm afraid I can give you no credit for these. Would you like them back?"

Despite the fact that both items were sold exclusively (your word, not mine) at your store, we can get no money back or even store credit to return them there because we're too stubborn to ask our friends/relatives for the receipt. This was a gift that they no doubt thought to be an excellent toy for our children.  Unfortunately they are toys that we already have a similar version of at home. I would think that since you "love kids" so much this fact would matter to you, but nope. I'm wrong!  You don't care that we don't want the gift. You don't care that we don't even mind getting store credit instead of cash back. You only care about making the sale and your sales rep even had the gall to ask if we wanted to keep the gifts! Are you kidding me?! I'm appalled!  Not only will you not give us any sort of merchandise credit for two gifts that we do not want or need, but you want to keep them AND the money that was paid for them as well. Seriously?

I have NEVER seen a store with a more pitiful return policy than yours. I don't know why it took you multiple pages to say what can be summed up in a simple sentence: If you don't have a receipt, you cannot return it.  That's the bottom line. Toys R Us stores will not exchange or refund purchases made if you do not have a receipt.

For a company who claims, "We approach our business operations with responsibility and integrity, understanding the trust parents place in us to do the right thing and act as a reliable partner as they navigate the various stages of parenthood," I expect more.  Because I now know that your customers cannot return anything without a receipt, I will no longer shop at your store. Because I know that you not only want our money but also to keep the products to re-sell as well, I will urge my family and friends to do the same.  Shame on you, Toys R Us. Shame on you!

all I want for Christmas

There has been no greater strain on my relationship with my husband than having the second kid.  You take two full-time jobs, then a little bit of chauffeur, and add in a couple doses of "What's for dinner?", throw in some possible ear infections, a puking four year old, and making several lunches and you've got two exhausted, stressed, I'm too tired tonight, honeys. 

We having trouble getting together a date night because we feel like we rely on the grandparents too much already what with the crazy dentist appointments and getting the kids to school without missing so much work that either one of us loses our job.  Not to mention that if we found a sitter other than family we'd have trouble paying for them since we've spent $200 in unexpected copays for doctors visits in the last few weeks alone and who doesn't want to just spend some quiet time with their kids after being away from them for more than forty hours each week anyway?

So all I want for Christmas is this.  I want a night out with my husband.  I want to be able to go to dinner and just sit.  I want to be able to slowly eat my meal and enjoy it without picking up sippy cups from the floor or cutting chicken into bite-size pieces.  I want to be able to go home and fall into bed at a reasonable hour because I don't have to bathe children, read bedtime stories, pack lunches, pick out clothes, and then pay bills.  I want to be able to sleep all night, without waking up once (at least not unless it's of my own volition, or until I have to pee which is inevitable).  I want to be able to talk to my husband about the crazy things we used to talk about, like you know, us, our day, our problems, and our dreams.  The things we used to talk about before we found it necessary to iron out the game plan for the next day in the only five minutes we have alone together each night.  I want a day when I can concentrate on my relationship with my husband and take a moment to remember why I committed my life to this man.  And I know this is asking a lot, but I want him to want it too.


Then I want a weekend where we're not running around from place to place going to birthday parties, meetings, grocery stores, school functions, etc.  I want a day when I can make my family the priority that it needs to be.  I want a day to go hiking together or a day to lounge around without any other obligations other than to just be. 

The sad thing is that in this season of life, this feels like it's way, way, way too much to ask.

if it's not one thing, it's another

This week...?

Is going to be the death of me.  True story.



Josh broke out in hives all over his torso, thighs, and back of his neck yesterday.  Is it from his first flu shot which he got the day before yesterday?  Is it from the Augmentin he's on for his double ear infection?  Is it from a random virus?  Or could it be the other 4 vaccinations he got at his one year well-check the day before yesterday?  Or is it from the dandruff shampoo I got in his eyes while bathing him the night before?  (giant parenting FAIL)  Who knows?!  They want us to bring him in again today to look at the rash and probably/possibly stop the antibiotics if his ear have cleared up.

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Yesterday at school a girl took her shirt off in my class.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

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Monday I had a mentor/mentee meeting after school and then Julianna gymnastics.  Tuesday faculty meeting followed by taking tickets at the football game.  Wednesday is preschool Halloween costume party and trick-or-treating, plus we have early dismissal for the end of the grading period and I have to make sure I get my grades in for report cards.  I can't see past that so I'm not sure I'll make it to Friday.


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I lost my flash drive somewhere last week in between the pediatrician, Target pharmacy, and the preschool.  I'm feeling the repercussions of that now.  Ugh.  You would think a technology teacher would back up her work.  You would be wrong.

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So... how are you?

the day the $h!t balloon hit the fan

It has been the week from hell.

On Mother’s Day Julianna woke up with a fever of 101. We had to skip church anyway because I was cooking for a bunch of family and hadn’t been able to prepare enough the day before. I got up early and went to the grocery store and immediately came home and started cooking while Jonathan took care of Jules. After an exhausting morning of cooking, we finally (better late than never) sat down to eat lunch and Meltdown The First began. After no one could convince Julianna to sit down to lunch, she finally requested to go to bed (it was already an hour past her naptime and she was still running a fever). As the family began eating, I put her down for a nap. She slept and we ate. Then shortly after all the cleaning up and coupon clipping we had to journey over to my sister’s house. She was kind enough to cook for my mom, her MIL, and me for Mother’s Day. I know all the work that went into that dinner and I truly appreciated it. Since Julianna was still running a fever and was being pretty whiney AND she had skipped lunch and not eaten until 4pm when she woke up from her nap, she did NOT want to eat dinner. So we dealt with an uncooperative toddler during that meal (FUN!) and were late getting her home for bed.

That night her fever got worse (102/103ish) and she starting gagging on each dose of Tylenol/Motrin. After changing her vomit-covered outfit multiple times throughout the night with each dose of medicine, we finally got a few measly hours of sleep.

Monday brought a higher fever and more whining. We mostly just stayed around home trying to rest. I had to be somewhere Monday night but when I got home and saw her shivering uncontrollably with fever after her bath I almost cried. Unfortunately, because she was refusing to take the medicines (or couldn’t keep them down) Monday night and early Tuesday morning her fever spiked at 104.4 and I was up with her pretty much all night. She begged me to sleep with her and so I tried. More puking, more changing, followed by a decision to go to the doctor first thing in the morning.

The doctor said the strep test was negative, the urine test was negative for a UTI, must be viral. Bring her back on Thursday if she still has a fever over 100. I decided I’d had enough of dealing with the gagging and the refusal to drink the medicine and Meltdown The NINETITH so I went to buy chewables and suppositories (wheee!). We went to my parents’ house after that where Julianna took two naps (and fortunately I did too!).

[I realize that I’m interrupting myself here, but did you know that acetaminophen suppositories are over $1.30 each?! What a rip-off! Isn’t it bad enough that I have to stick my finger in one of my daughter’s body cavities, the one that poop comes out of, but then the stupid drug companies have to rob me silly at the same time? What’s that all about?]

Sorry. Back to the story of my week.

Tuesday saw another night of high fever and no sleep, but luckily no gagging or puking because of the new meds. Wednesday things began to look up although we were both beyond sleep-deprived. We napped at my parents house again (it’s amazing how much a little bit of sleep can change everything). Wednesday night Julianna was still running a low fever (around 100) so Jonathan stayed home from Bible Study to care for her and I went without them. It was so nice to get out even if only for two little hours.

Although she still had a fever on Thursday morning of 100.4 we didn’t go back to the doctor mainly because I felt that she was getting better. She’d rested better the previous night and I just knew it couldn’t last much longer. We weren’t planning on doing anything on Thursday or Friday, but as luck would have it, a newborn baby was thrown into the extended family mix and the need for me to watch Julianna’s cousin for a few hours arose Thursday afternoon. Then because of some miscommunication I had to drive an extra 30 minutes to pick up Jonathan at lunch and Jules was late for her nap again and it was painfully evident that she was overtired. We journeyed to the hospital to visit last night and then came home and crashed again.

Today, Julianna has only had a 99.7 (at the most) degree temperature. She CLEARLY still does not feel well at all. She has not stopped whining since first thing this morning. She still has a bad cough, runny nose, and is gnawing on her index finger constantly. After lunch I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to give her some Tylenol since she was just painfully obviously not feeling well. That has made her do better, but I swear every single time she even slightly bumps into something she breaks out crying to beat the band. She whines and cries each time I tell her no and she has deliberately disobeyed me more today than she has the entire month combined. I know she just feels miserable, but I don’t know what else I can do to help her.

I cannot emphasize enough just how exhausting this week has been. When we went to the grocery store this morning she cried pretty much the entire time. I tried bribing her with bubbles, with a free balloon, with the promise of a cookie when we got home. Nothing made her happy. She ate no breakfast; she ate no lunch; she only took a one hour and fifteen minute nap. She let go of her balloon in the den and it immediately floated up and got tangled in the ceiling fan and Meltdown The OneZillionFiveHundredTrillionith ensued. I cried along with her. We have a full weekend ahead of us and I don’t see a good way out of any of it. I just know that something’s got to go, but I don’t know what.

I am about to pull my hair out.

AND YES I STILL WANT ANOTHER BABY DANGIT!

TGIF, right?

ten reasons why today could not end soon enough

1. It has been one sucky, sucky day. Especially since it started at 4 am for me thanks to the doesn’t-ever-want-to-sleep-anymore toddler.



2. My daughter has spent the better part of the day in time out. First for biting (YES- BITING), then for pulling on a kid’s shirt, and several times after that for not listening to Mommy.



3. My antibiotics for c diff run out Thursday morning. I am having major anxiety issues that it will grow back and get my GI system out of balance and I’ll get sick again. I want to believe that two rounds of this antibiotic will be enough, but this junk is hard to get rid of and I fear that it won’t be enough.



4. I can’t drink while I’m taking these antibiotics and while I don’t drink that often, I could really use a glass of wine right now. After the crappy day I’ve had and the whole month of being on this medicine, I could stand to relax a little.



5. As if the alcohol weren’t enough, I’ve been trying to limit my sugar intake while fighting c diff. As I understand it, this type of bacteria thrives on sugar so I’ve been doing all I can to make myself cut back lately. This has made me lightheaded and nauseas each morning and afternoon. It makes me feel pregnant and I can assure you that I am most certainly not experiencing morning sickness. (see previous whinings about great desires for baby #2)



6. Julianna threw the mack daddy of all temper tantrums today. It began with not wanting to go upstairs for naptime and ended with her practically catapulting herself over the crib rail at my parents’ house screaming “No Naptime!” in between gasps for breath. While she survived, my mom and I were questioning our newfound abilities to join the WWF.



7. It hasn’t stopped raining all day! I hydraplaned on the way home and that scares me to death.



8. Tomorrow’s my birthday! I know I mentioned I’ll probably skip the birthday cake (see # 5 above) but did I mention that I’ll be OFFICIALLY OLD tomorrow?



9. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I’ve found that as I age I dread visits to the dentist more and more. Besides, I’m planning on taking Jules with me for the first time ever so that she can get used to the dentist’s office, etc. But did I tell you about the time I got my hair cut and took her with me to the salon with no help and then I watched her in the mirror take out ALL of the items in my purse, distribute them neatly across the floor (including open chapstick and lipsticks), AMONG THE FRESHLY CHOPPED HAIR? I just want to get it over with.



10. We have absolutely NO MONEY. Wednesday is pay day around here and I have some bills that are desperately in need of being paid. Tomorrow is Wednesday.

So here’s to tomorrow. I hope it’s a fun one!

Dear God,

Please take this sickness away from me and let this round of antibiotics work. Please never let it come back to my family again. Please help me to see the bright side of things because I am having a hard time thinking of anything positive right now. Please help me stop whining and feeling sorry for myself and help the other people around me to be patient with me. Please help me get out of this FUNK!

the one where I reveal way too much crap* about myself

This is probably more information than any of you would like to know, but I’m going to put it out there anyway. If you have a weak stomach or do not like reading about poop, then skip this post.


I mentioned before about having stomach issues. Well, here is the long story.

In October I had an ear infection and was put on antibiotics. It later came back and I took more antibiotics right before Christmas. Just after Christmas, Julianna got really, really sick and they had to give her shots of r0sefrin for two days straight to get her well again. Two days later I was diagnosed with strep throat and was given more am0xicillin. She must have had strep as well. Anyway, before my ten days on the am0xicillin was up I could tell that my sore throat was coming back so I went back to the doctor who then gave me a shot of r0sefrin. This was in January.

Now, let me stop right here and say something. PEOPLE, if you read this post and hear nothing else, HEAR THIS. When your doctor continues to prescribe antibiotics for you (even for various illnesses), PLEASE BE CAREFUL! Give it careful consideration before taking more and more antibiotics. While I am angry at my situation and it would be really easy to blame the doctors for not knowing what they could do to me by giving me so many rounds of antibiotics, I recognize that it was also my responsibility to monitor my own degree of health. In other words, it is your responsibility as well as your doctor’s to determine when antibiotics are absolutely necessary and when they are not. This entire ordeal that I have been through would likely have not happened at all had I just tried to let my body get over one of those ear infections or sore throats on its own.

OK, where was I? Oh yes. The humiliating shot of r0sefrin was a pain in the @s$.* But it worked for my throat and I was soon feeling well again. Shortly after that, however, I began having diarrhea. At first it was only a time or two one day and I thought it was something I’d eaten. Then I had it again a couple of days later and thought there may be blood in my stools, but I got my period and wasn’t sure. After that my bowel movements became somewhat normal again but they were more frequent and darker in color. When I finally developed three days worth of constant diarrhea (so bad that I would go every time I went to pee) I decided I needed to go to the doctor. I had major anxiety over this. I’m sure it’s dumb, but while I knew that I needed to get checked I was so afraid that it would be something more serious and I was worried. I really did not want to go. I was tired of spend $25 copays every other week for doctor’s visits, but I so desperately wanted to get well. When I went back in, I was submitted to an, uhhh, unpleasant exam and told that there was indeed blood in my stools. I was diagnosed with having high levels of “c diff” and prescribed the first round of c diff fighting antibiotics. I don’t know why, but I feel like I should note that this was only after they had me poop in not one, not two, not even three, BUT FOUR LITTLE CUPS and bring it in for lab work. He then referred me to a specialist “to be sure.”

After seeing a gastroenterologist (another $200 gone just like that!) I’ve learned that all of the previous antibiotics I had been on had not only killed all of the bad bacteria in my body, but that they had also killed all of the good bacteria in my body. As I understand it, everyone has what is called “Clostridium difficile” in their GI tract. It is one of the “bad” bacteria’s in your intestines. It produces spores that stay in your intestines even after the meds are done and they multiply like crazy. The spores make it extremely difficult to get rid of. As far as treatment is concerned, most cases of c diff begin as a result of too many antibiotics and it is ironically treated with more antibiotics (a different variety). It can also be called Antibiotic-Associated Colitis.

The antibiotics are expensive and it usually takes more than one round of meds to get rid of all the c diff. One of my biggest complaints about the antibiotics for c diff is that they can cause serious birth defects and therefore are not safe for pregnancy. We’ve had to put our pregnancy plans on hold until I get well and for anyone who knows me even a little knows how hard that is on me. I hate not being able to plan something! I hate not having control! I hate someone or something messing up my timetables!!!

I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired!

I went off my last dose of the first round of antibiotics this past Friday. I’ve eaten lactobacillus acidophilus yogurt every day as recommended to help get my stomach back “in balance” and I’ve felt perfectly fine. Until last night.

Last night I started getting a sore throat again and my bowel movements have been increasing. This morning my throat hurts so much that it’s painful to talk and my lymph nodes are swollen. The diarrhea has not yet returned but I feel that it’s only a matter of time. Other than that, I feel fine. I’ve put a call in to gastroenterologist again about getting a second round of meds and maybe, just maybe, this will do the trick and get rid of the high levels of c diff.

I am very surprised that more people don’t know about the problems associated with Antibiotic-Associated Colitis. It seems to be a somewhat common thing and since it is soooo nasty and difficult to get rid of, you would think that more people has heard of it. Anyway, C diff can cause such serious illness that there’s even an online support group for people struggling to get rid of it. And here’s the kicker: It can be deadly.

If you’ve made it this far reading my gory detailed, TMI story please tell me you’ve learned something!

• Don’t go to your doctor and get antibiotics unless you feel you absolutely must.


• If you feel that your doctor is prescribing antibiotics without really knowing why you are sick then use caution before taking the meds.


• While I believe that prescription drugs are powerful and helpful, I have also learned through this whole ordeal that they can also have some nasty repercussions.

That’s enough of my PSA for today. Now I’m going back to my regularly scheduled chaos called life. Thanks for listening.

*pun intended

grrrr

I can't find my camera battery charger. I hve no one to blame it on but myself.

I'm having a hard time getting back on my diet. Must. Throw. Away. Christmas. Leftovers.

The husband has the week off. He's spending the entire time working outside on our deck.

It's potty training Day 2.

It's cold.

I'm having a bad day.

she also looks like an elephant

The little one may have a touch of pneumonia. She's been on round after round of antibiotics and albuterol for cough since early October. The latest round ended Thursday and she started running a fever (103 degrees) again on Saturday. By late last night she was having difficulty breathing and her little chest was rising and falling very rapidly. The triage nurse said we may need to go to the emergency room if the motrin didn't get her fever down soon and slow her breathing. It helped. We went in for an office visit today and they gave her steriods and a nebulizer/breathing treatment machine. It dramatically helps her breathing and the steriods make her hyper. With the face mask on we tell her she looks like an elephant and she half-grins. But she is patient and very tough. It took her over an hour to fall asleep tonight, but she's still such a sweet little girl.

Merry Christmas everyone!

release

I've been very, er, hormonal lately. And therefore moody.

Don't know why. Could be lots of reasons. Some I don't want to list here, but others I don't mind mentioning. I've been really stressed out lately. I've been trying to get stuff done but never seem to accomplish anything. I feel like a failure at being a wife a lot of times. I also feel guilty about quitting teaching because I still can't keep the house clean and the clothes washed even though I'm home more. I feel guilty for wanting to pull my hair out at the end of some days with Jules.

I also feel like I've committed to some things that I can't really do my best at and that makes me sad. I am disappointed in myself. I hate myself for taking out my frustrations on my husband. I hate myself for not taking care of myself, eating well and exercising. I hate not running the entire 10k a few weeks ago. I know that good sleep and exercise helps my moods, but I don't want to exercise. I don't want to go outside and go for a walk to get some fresh air even though I know I should. I don't want to go to bed early when I have tons and tons to do and when that's my only "me" time. I feel depressed off and on lately. I feel angry at myself a lot. I feel like a failure a lot.

Then I eat cookie dough.

I honestly worry a lot about having Baby #2 and being depressed again although I don't act like I worry about it. I want Baby #2, but I don't want to be a basket case afterwards like I was before. I worry about my husband not loving me because I'm psycho.

Really, I know that Im not a failure, but I just can't help but think that sometimes. I can't control my emotions even when I want to control my emotions.

I had a major breakdown Friday afternoon and by the time evening came and hubby was home I just let it all leak out. I cried and cried and I talked about my crazy emotions. I talked about how I have been feeling and I apologized for the ways I've been acting. I talked about how I didn't want to feel those emotions, but that I just do and that I have a hard time controlling them.

I talked about wondering if I should go to counseling or try taking antidepressants. I talked about people I know that take them. I talked about jealousy over other people, especially him for being able to have a normal life and for being able to handle things so much more easily than it seems that I can. I basically had a therapy session on my couch with no TV and just the hubs listening.

I know.

He's great to do that for me. Really he is.

But it had been so long since I'd really broken down and shared things like that so I had a lot to talk about. And a lot to cry about. I think he wonders that if we've only been married five years and it's already this bad then how bad is it going to get? I think he wants to be there for me but I also think that I am energy-draining for him. He works hard all day long and then comes home to a messy house with no dinner ready, a screaming child who has a wet diaper, a wife who still needs to get some work done for the day, but really just feels like crying. He rarely gets anything that he deserves lately. I feel bad for that.

I don't know if my thoughts regarding anitdepressants are because I've learned more about them in the past few years. I've read more about PPD since Julianna was born and I've had more exposure to them (antidepressants) through reading people's blogs, plus I just hear about them more frequently. Are these things what makes me think I should consider drugs?

I just know that usually in my life I feel like I have normal low points and more often than not these days I feel like I can't always bring myself out of the hole alone. Sometimes sadness doesn't pass as fast at it used to for me.

I also wonder if my distance from God lately has made an impact on all of this. Over the past three years we've found a church that we liked, joined a Sunday School class there and made some friends, but for one reason or another we haven't really been going to worship service that much since Julianna was born. I can probably give you ten reasons why that is. We have been going to Sunday School, but between out-of-town trips, visits to parents' churches, and working in the "nursery" we haven't been to class that often the past two months. A few little things have happened that have made me pull away from some of the people there too. How do you become a part of a church without that happening? Anyway, that has all had a direct connection to my spiritual life and I'm sure that there is a realtionship between my spiritual state and my emotional state as well. But I like the other things I've mentioned, I know that getting back to church will help. I know that studying my Bible and praying will only make me feel better. But I don't want to.

I know a lot of people would say to do it anyway. Do the things you don't want to do. After a while you will want to do them again.

Maybe they're right, but I still want to whine and vent that I don't want to.

So I am trying to do the things I can. I am going to take things little by little.

I'm not sure how I'll feel next week.

But today?

Today I feel good.

contest of the month (stop rolling your eyes)

I'm thinking about ending the contest of the month thingy. Since no one participates.

Congrats, Dad for winning last month's contest.

sorry i can’t come to the blog right now

...I'm too busy Harry Pottering.

If you need to reach me it'd better be an emergency. Because I'll be busy wringing my hands, sobbing, biting my nails, and trying to slow my soaring heart rate as I finish a very important part of life over the next couple of days.

I'm sure you understand.

let’s see….. what’s up?

I'm at the beach. It's hot as Hades. I just came in from running 2 miles. Today was supposed to be my easy day. It was not. See my previous statement about the heat.

I am having major anxiety over the Harry Potter book release tomorrow. I don't know why. I just keep having random thoughts about it like every 20 minutes or so. Besides, I of course am worried that since everyone is going to complete it before I am even through Chapter 5 that I will hear some parts that I don't want to hear before I even get a chance to read them myself. This will be my first experience reading an HP book as a parent so I know not to expect to read it too quickly. That means I'll have to be patient for a looonnnnngggg time. Ugh. Not my strong suit.

The parents of a good friend of ours were in a serious car accident. There were several major injuries involved. Please pray for their family. It's hard being at the beach so far away and not being able to help a lot but I'm sure it's even harded to be the daughter stuck in Florida unable to do anything until she gets here.

Sorry. Back to the running thing. I just realized that now my monthly total is already higher than my May and June totals were. AND it's only July 19th. I rock. Now I think I'll go eat a fudge round.

I miss my husband. Since someone has to earn us a living I had to leave him at home this week although he will join us next Friday. With all the packing and cleaning and getting ready to leave and all, I didn't realize how much I'd miss him once I got here, but now that I'm here I do. At least we'll have some good quality time together when he does get here. He certainly deserves a vacation. Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to mine. :)

because Mary Murphy isn’t quite entertaining enough for me

The other day I mentioned that I missed Will and Grace which once I actually wrote it down (so-to-speak) it got me to really thinking about it. Either I’m just missing something or there are no good sitcoms on TV anymore. Maybe it’s just that it’s summer, but it sure seems to me that there used to be some great Must See TV on all the time a year or two before September 11th and then the reality show craze hit. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some reality TV. But then after 911 some of the reality shows disappeared or became much more light-hearted and less serious (like the utter waste of time that Fear Factor was). Granted, American Idol came out during that time period, but still. I’ll admit that maybe I’m just missing something big, but in my opinion ever since the nation experienced such a life changing tragedy they didn’t want a short comedy anymore. They didn’t want shows that mirrored what we thought was real life. They wanted game shows and unrealistic dramas apparently (er, can you say 1 vs. 100 and Desperate Housewives?) When is it time to go back to comedy?

So you could say I miss it. I miss being able to sit down on the couch each evening and watch shows like Seinfeld, Will and Grace, or Friends and being totally enthralled with the mundane, everyday realistic storylines with a witty joke thrown in every 30 seconds (or minute or two). I miss forgetting about real life for a brief half hour and being entertained by silly humor. I like all of these new dramas like Heroes and House just as much as the next guy, but they’re certainly not Friends.

My favorite newest sitcom is How I Met Your Mother, but it’s being re-run now. And besides, where are the rest of them? Please leave me a comment if I’m missing something you love. Because TV’s just not that fun for me anymore.

Sigh. Now back to the regularly scheduled program, SoYouThinkYouCanDance!