Thursday, October 4, 2007


I've been very, er, hormonal lately. And therefore moody.

Don't know why. Could be lots of reasons. Some I don't want to list here, but others I don't mind mentioning. I've been really stressed out lately. I've been trying to get stuff done but never seem to accomplish anything. I feel like a failure at being a wife a lot of times. I also feel guilty about quitting teaching because I still can't keep the house clean and the clothes washed even though I'm home more. I feel guilty for wanting to pull my hair out at the end of some days with Jules.

I also feel like I've committed to some things that I can't really do my best at and that makes me sad. I am disappointed in myself. I hate myself for taking out my frustrations on my husband. I hate myself for not taking care of myself, eating well and exercising. I hate not running the entire 10k a few weeks ago. I know that good sleep and exercise helps my moods, but I don't want to exercise. I don't want to go outside and go for a walk to get some fresh air even though I know I should. I don't want to go to bed early when I have tons and tons to do and when that's my only "me" time. I feel depressed off and on lately. I feel angry at myself a lot. I feel like a failure a lot.

Then I eat cookie dough.

I honestly worry a lot about having Baby #2 and being depressed again although I don't act like I worry about it. I want Baby #2, but I don't want to be a basket case afterwards like I was before. I worry about my husband not loving me because I'm psycho.

Really, I know that Im not a failure, but I just can't help but think that sometimes. I can't control my emotions even when I want to control my emotions.

I had a major breakdown Friday afternoon and by the time evening came and hubby was home I just let it all leak out. I cried and cried and I talked about my crazy emotions. I talked about how I have been feeling and I apologized for the ways I've been acting. I talked about how I didn't want to feel those emotions, but that I just do and that I have a hard time controlling them.

I talked about wondering if I should go to counseling or try taking antidepressants. I talked about people I know that take them. I talked about jealousy over other people, especially him for being able to have a normal life and for being able to handle things so much more easily than it seems that I can. I basically had a therapy session on my couch with no TV and just the hubs listening.

I know.

He's great to do that for me. Really he is.

But it had been so long since I'd really broken down and shared things like that so I had a lot to talk about. And a lot to cry about. I think he wonders that if we've only been married five years and it's already this bad then how bad is it going to get? I think he wants to be there for me but I also think that I am energy-draining for him. He works hard all day long and then comes home to a messy house with no dinner ready, a screaming child who has a wet diaper, a wife who still needs to get some work done for the day, but really just feels like crying. He rarely gets anything that he deserves lately. I feel bad for that.

I don't know if my thoughts regarding anitdepressants are because I've learned more about them in the past few years. I've read more about PPD since Julianna was born and I've had more exposure to them (antidepressants) through reading people's blogs, plus I just hear about them more frequently. Are these things what makes me think I should consider drugs?

I just know that usually in my life I feel like I have normal low points and more often than not these days I feel like I can't always bring myself out of the hole alone. Sometimes sadness doesn't pass as fast at it used to for me.

I also wonder if my distance from God lately has made an impact on all of this. Over the past three years we've found a church that we liked, joined a Sunday School class there and made some friends, but for one reason or another we haven't really been going to worship service that much since Julianna was born. I can probably give you ten reasons why that is. We have been going to Sunday School, but between out-of-town trips, visits to parents' churches, and working in the "nursery" we haven't been to class that often the past two months. A few little things have happened that have made me pull away from some of the people there too. How do you become a part of a church without that happening? Anyway, that has all had a direct connection to my spiritual life and I'm sure that there is a realtionship between my spiritual state and my emotional state as well. But I like the other things I've mentioned, I know that getting back to church will help. I know that studying my Bible and praying will only make me feel better. But I don't want to.

I know a lot of people would say to do it anyway. Do the things you don't want to do. After a while you will want to do them again.

Maybe they're right, but I still want to whine and vent that I don't want to.

So I am trying to do the things I can. I am going to take things little by little.

I'm not sure how I'll feel next week.

But today?

Today I feel good.

Jules balancing

Jules balancing front

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