Friday, May 1, 2015

dealing with depression and anxiety [part 1]

A whole week goes by. I don't run. I feel bored, stressed, little energy, no motivation.

I don't sleep well. My back starts to hurt.

My diet, which had been going so well starts to crumble. My dedication fades. I stop caring about eating right.

I stop playing with the kids. I have little patience for their stories which seem to take an eternity to finish.

While I still cook dinner and switch the laundry over it's like everything moves in slow motion now.

I quit posting my thankful pictures. I just don't care.

I start feeling a pull to eat something horrible for me. I order a burger and hot chips at a restaurant. The 2000 calorie meal only makes me feel terrible. I sit on the couch later, sad and frustrated. Mostly just mad at myself. Plus, I'm miserable with a stomachache and gerd and don't sleep well because of it.

Then the stress and tension from no sleep causes a pulled neck muscle. The stiff neck makes me uncomfortable all day... not wanting to run or move or anything.... vicious cycle.

I go to running practice because I said I would but I don't want to. I'm only there because I said I would be there. That's reason alone to commit to group exercise.

But now, since I've messed up the beginning of the week in every other way, it's easy to find excuses to miss the rest of my runs.

I'm about as depressed as I've been since Julianna was five months old.

I long for the routine of a training schedule. I need the structure of a list and checking off a training run each day on a calendar. I long for a consistent diet and adequate quality sleep.

I need the exhaustion that comes after a hard workout. I need the physical fatigue that comes from a two hour run, not the fatigue of little sleep, pulled muscles, and couch-sitting.

I need to get back to eating nutritious meals and not feeding my emotions. At the very least I need to not eat doughnuts for breakfast.

I know what has to be done. It's could be any of several different things that I know will work. I just don't know how to start the climb.

To be continued...

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