Saturday, June 30, 2007

questions for you

Why do I always worry about what other people think? I seriously have a complex. I am so envious of those people like Swistle (who can write about whoever she wants on her blog and doesn’t really care about how it sounds because she’s just being honest) or Beth (who writes with no censoring of her language, opinions, or life for that matter and certainly without caring who should stumble upon her posts) or even Erin (who was wise enough to have no RL family or friends who know her blog URL).

I constantly censor what I write on my blog. I guess I was always taught (by being shown) to care what others thought. I was taught to behave and be respectable and respectful. I worked at a Christian school where I was taught to be a role model, how to dress and act, and how to speak. Despite all of this, I was also taught to think for myself and make my own decisions. My parents’ number one goal in raising me, I believe, was to teach me how to think for myself. I believe they succeeded.

Still. Why is it so unbearably hard for me to be myself all of the time? Especially with my blog posts.

I haven’t written a lot this week mostly because I haven’t taken the time. Because by the time I got home from the hospital visiting my mom or home from a playgroup or gym class with the little girl I was beyond exhausted. Because by the time I sat down at the computer I was practically falling asleep, still trying to catch up from being sick last week. And because by the time I got around to posting I’d remember a load of laundry that had to be done by the next day or a special item that needed to be added to the diaper bag before the next morning or an important email that needed to be sent first or a snack that needed to be made for the next playgroup or....

Anyway, I’ve also just realized tonight that I’ve avoiding posting this week because I’ve been feeling pretty… well… negative. That’s just not something I’ve wanted to get on here and start writing about, complaining about this or sharing about how stressed I am about that. Whatever. I’m tired, but I know ya’ll don’t want to hear it. Plus I don’t want to disappoint people (family) or burden them with writing the things that have really been on my mind or complaining about people who I know will read this.

Why is that such a big deal for me? Why do I care who cares if I happen to like a song with a “bad word” or two in it? Why do I avoid mentioning a margarita on girls night out with the mom’s group? Why do I struggle with complaining on here about my husband not having the little girl ready to go as soon as I get home to pick them up to go to the Y? I think it's because I love the people who read this. But can't I love them and still be myself?

Now my question is this. If I can’t be myself in my own little space on the internet then where can I be myself? How do you own up to the fact that you aren’t always perfect and that even though you know better (and even feel guilty about it sometimes) you still occasionally misbehave sometimes? How do you find the line between TMI and not enough information? Most importantly, how do you blogging people learn to not care too much about what others think?

I guess the answer to all of this, for me at least, is to find the nice happy medium between 1) being open and honest on my blog/about my life/not worrying about hurting other people’s feeling and 2) intentionally hurting others with my statements, comments and thoughts. Any advice Oh Wise Internet People?

On a totally unrelated note, I bought a sling the other day from a girl in my mom’s group. I’ve always wanted one, but my cousin told me that if you didn’t start using them pretty early with the kids then sometimes they wouldn’t really “take” to them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve considered buying one anyway to try with Julianna. Since they’re so expensive I just kept deciding to wait until a future baby came along.

Well, she had them out at a playgroup the other week and they were only twenty bucks so I impulsively had her measure me and then promptly ordered one. She had it ready early this week. I used it almost every day that I had to walk from the parking deck all the way around the construction site up to mom’s hospital room. It was a lifesaver! I had been using the stroller to carry the little girl and all the “stuff” (diaper bag, purse, flowers/magazines/snacks for mom, book for me, milkshakes, whatever) and the hospital room was just too small and crammed full of equipment to be able to accommodate the stroller and all of us very well. Once I got the sling it was wonderful. Julianna doesn’t seem to mind riding in it at all and she even brings it to me sometimes basically asking to get in it. I really feared that as independent as she is she wouldn’t really like it at all, but I guess she does. I like that it gives me free hands and doesn't feel awkward at all now that I've learned how to use it pretty well (at least in one position). I certainly look forward to using it if we have another baby and if I’m more successful with nursing I know it will come in handy.

Also, I ordered some shirts from Motherwear this week. I totally broke our Dave Ramsey goals and put the order on the credit card. Oops! It still felt good. I tried all of them on tonight though and they look like they’ll work great! I’m excited! Besides it’s been SO LONG since I bought clothes of any kind that I felt justified.

A lightning storm struck our cable/house phones router last week and they’ve been out. I’ve been using the cell phone a lot more than usual until we could replace the router and I ran out of minutes. (My sister and I share a plan.) We’d been needing to change our plan for a while now anyway, so we went today and got new cell phones. It is crazy different than my old phone so I should be learning how to use it instead of writing this now, but I’ll get to it. Plus it’s a camera phone so once I go back to the store and find out what I need to get some pictures uploaded from the phone to the blog I’ll hopefully be posting pictures more often.

Let’s see. What else? Oh yeah, we went and ran at the Y again today. It feels great to do something just for me and for no one else. Thanks to my dad for watching the little girl and playing with her in the pool so that I could run. I love my family! (I don’t love feeling guilty for taking advantage of them though.)

And finally, some entertainment tidbits for you. We’ve seen a couple of incredibly good movies lately. We’ve watched Pan’s Labyrinth and The Children of Men. I’d certainly recommend either one. You can read the hubby’s reviews here. In addition, Harry Potter Book 7 comes out in three weeks and I am so excited I could just wet my pants. Although I will admit that I have a bit of anxiety every time I think about it because it is the last book and I mean, my goodness people HARRY IS NOT GOING TO DIE!! But nevertheless… I’m biting my nails as I think of it. AND the next movie comes out in two weeks! So does anyone want to babysit so I can go to the movie matinee and see Harry Potter OotP when it comes out?


Beth said...

I don't have any answers, other than to tell you that my blog is heavily censored - not because I care what people think, but because there are a great many things in my life that have no need to be on the internet. It's all about finding your own comfort level, which takes quite a bit of time and quite a few mistakes where you wish like hell you had never published something or other.

Emily said...

I agree with Beth - you have to find your own level of comfort. And allow for humanity - we all make mistakes. I've gone through really paranoid periods where I thought "if anyone reads that, they're going to turn me in!" Generally speaking, though - about 1/3 of what "really" happened actually gets posted. You simply CAN'T capture every.single.detail.

I also take advantage of the "save as draft" feature. There have been quite a number of flamingly profane rants that ended up being deleted - because after I calmed down I realized that I was just as much at fault.

Also? Keep in mind that you can always start an anonymous blog, keep it private, and spill there. Or you can host WordPress locally (on your own computer) and get it all out without ever having it touch the www.

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